hear my thoughts as type them aloud for you...

night of complaints

-“You look tired and you look like just want to get it over with.” um yes i’m tired because i worked out and i’m sore, drank during dinner and during the your coworker’s lame drag show you dragged me to, then you want to get it on at 2am when we get home after i’ve been up for almost 20 hour. YES I AM MOTHER FUCKING TIRED…

-“Why do you have all the chapsticks in your purse? My lips were so chapped for the past two days. I’m going to send you a text to remind you to get it out of your purse in the morning.” Then I get up from laying in bed to the island to grab the chapstick out of my purse and throw it on the table. How is it my fault that you always forget to grab it out of my purse after you ask me to hold it for you months ago?

disappointing lunch and everything else in life

when i text “lunch at 12:30?” and you reply “ok” at 11:53am doesn’t mean i go back to the apartment looking forward to sharing my day and meal with you and end up attempting to wake you up, failing, then have lunch by myself while watching one of my shows. i was better off not making the effort of leaving work to eat lunch by myself at home while i could of done it at my desk. WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT. 

i’m can’t help that my day starts at 9am with no naps and i end up falling asleep at midnight and you get upset with me because i fall sleep with whatever we’re watching. oh let me define what “we’re watching.” EVERYTHING THAT EM WANTS TO WATCH. because i’m not picky and i can watch anything and everything she wants on tv because i do it out of love. em refuses to watch any of my shows so no wonder i fall asleep because she watches stupid shows like reruns of FRIENDS. so i wake up to start my day and try to stay up to be by her side at the end of her day. so where is the compromise? IT’S NONEXISTENT. 

weekends aren’t any better since my biological clock makes my body want to start the day at 9am so i clean the apartment as quietly as i can while she’s sleeping because i’m a good OCD wifey. when i sense any evidence of her potentially awaking up i make breakfast, she stumbles out of the bedroom then into the bathroom and finally at the dining room table to eat together while watching em’s shows, then do all the dishes while she smokes after she’s done eating. what happened to our agreement of one person cooks and the other cleans? NOPE. its i cook and clean and she cooks and i clean. either way i’m always fucking cleaning. ALWAYS MOTHER FUCKING DOUBLE STANDARDS.

there are times i’m up cleaning the apartment and she texts me to cuddle with her in bed in the morning and i don’t mind stopping what i’m doing (like the song - “i’ll stop the world and melt with you”), but there are mornings i want to cuddle so lay in bed for hours waiting for her to wake up and when she does she wake up she gets up to go to the bathroom to brush her teeth to start her day and gets upset with me for not getting up and making breakfast. lesson that i’ve learned: NEVER WAIT FOR A DISAPPOINTMENT TO HAPPEN AND DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO DO. 

FUCKED IF I DO TRY AND FUCKED IF I DONT TRY.

heavy heart

last night was a difficult one for me. i try to mask negative my thoughts in good conversation with the best people in the world who are there for me, but after the chats and laughs were over i was faced with my own demons. 

yesterday em and i had lunch since she needed the car to go to KOP to get her new phone since she broke the glass on her old one in the bathroom floor. lunch was pleasant and afterwards she dropped me off of work. i walked home from work in the brisk weather which was nice while talking on the phone with tran.

when i got to the apt i got a call from em letting me know she was waiting on her friend tony to arrive at the place to have dinner. she also let me know that she talked to HER on the way into the city. a bit afterwards i received a text from em saying that SHE wanted to meet em up at sisters, which is where em had planned going after dinner dragging tony along with. at least she had the decency to ask me if i was okay with HER being at sisters and if i wasn’t that she would tell HER to not come. um, like that would make her stay away.

i already knew SHE was going to meet her up there the second em had mentioned about going to sisters early in the week. after em made such a big deal at hotpot that karaoke at sisters was not her thing since it was so 10 years ago with mag. em explained that SHE was tired of being at icandy all the time and wanted a go to a new setting. BULLSHIT. 

with my best fake trusting voice, i told em it was okay and to have fun. right after getting off the phone she texts me, “i’m glad you are ok with it. i’m glad you are putting effort in trusting me. it means a lot to me and i reassure you i will not waste your efforts. you are the love of my life and even though it’s been a rough couple of weeks, i feel we are making progress. even if you made a small mistake last night. i woke up today and feel like it made us stronger. i’m hoping you will see my efforts also. i love you baby girl! with all my heart and soul…i hope you know that.” after reading that i felt okay, maybe slightly better about the whole ordeal.

i was texting anneliese a good part of the early evening. we chatted and i asked if she was going to the artistic director audition this sunday for PVOP. i don’t think she was planning on going until i said i was going. i don’t want to go myself but i feel like i need to some part of the choir since i ditched out on volunteering for outfest. so i’m going out of guilt and the company of anneliese.

afterwards i made a call to bi. she always cheers me up : ) we chatted about how our weekend was and updating each other about our lives. it always makes me miss texas talking to her but i’m glad we can still have great conversations over the phone like we were in person. soon after i gave mags a call and we talked about our plans to see an horse and what was happening with em that night. it’s always nice to chat with mags too because she keeps me grounded even though i always think i’m going insane.

it was about 11pm when me and mags got off the phone and i fell asleep on the couch. i woke up at 1:30am thinking of em will be home soon since she said she wouldn’t think she would be sisters when they close at 2am. so i washed up and got ready for bed. i watched a couple of shows on my laptop thinking it would make me sleepy, but my head was full of worry. it being 2:30am i closed my laptop and tried to make myself fall asleep. soon after em texted me saying she was on her way home. at least she had the courtesy to do that much. 

half an hour later at 3am em called to let me know that she’s was now making her way home from philly since tony had lost his phone and em was helping him find it even though it was never found. she asked if i was okay and i played it off like i was and she sounded drunk on the phone. tony had bought her shots before the had left sisters. em’s game plan was to stop drinking at 11pm when the drink specials were over but i guess that doesn’t reply when someone else buys. she finally stumbled in at 3:45am. came into the room to change and started to kiss and grope me in her drunkenness while telling me she loves me. i got annoyed and told her just to go and eat something like she said she was going to do.

i laid there in bed trying to sleep with the noise of her making ramen and em’s phone sounding off as she was getting texts. i knew it was HER. i tried my best to fall asleep as my heart was breaking slowly in bed alone in the dark. she finally stumbled into bed around 4:15am and soon she was out cold and snoring. i fell asleep shortly after. 

i know i told myself i wouldn’t check the phone logs after my email debacle but i had to know if it was HER texting em when she got home to the apt and sure enough it was. they texted each other through out the night from 7pm and again at 9pm and a handful of texts at 3am and 4am when em was at home. em had sent her one text at 8am in the morning and SHE replied back an hour later. oh but that’s not it! they had talked on each other on way home from philly too on the phone. 

how do i feel at this moment? like shit. broken. used and taken advantage of with this situation i allowed to happen. i don’t feel like this is us moving forward and i don’t feel like putting in the effort of making us work. yes she came home to me and the end of the night but her mind wasn’t focused on me or us. why do i put myself through all of this just to get dicked over at the end? i hate myself right now. 

i admit i was a bit intrusive

last night i came home after work to a nice cooked dinner after i picked up a big 1.5L magnum of pinot grigio. we had dinner, talked and she was sweet enough to download crazy stupid love for us to watch after. i didn’t tell her that i already watched it with mags and bub because if i did she wouldn’t want to watch it all together since it would be a new movie for the both of us. she’s just weird like that. so i just went along with it watching it for the second time acting like it was the first, which i didn’t mind bc of ryan gosling. yum.

during the whole dinner, movie and afterwards karaoke we both finished the whole bottle. em being the lightweight she has become passed out on the floor and i was still wide awake and a bit tipsy. i got up about to wash dishes and i saw em’s phone. i had this uncontrollable urge to look through her phone to see what she’s texting to HER. i found nothing so em must of deleted the texts. then i went through the emails and found a couple that day when em texted HER. i was unable to see what em sent to HER but i read what SHE responded back to em. 

in the first email SHE was pretty hesitant to being a friendship since it’s only been 2 weeks and SHE felt that things between us were still unstable, unfair to me and trying to keep HER distance. the second email it seemed like em let HER know that i was okay with them having a friendship. SHE was appreciative that i would be so understanding and that SHE would be in touch. so it just ended like that. from reading their correspondence i see that SHE isn’t that much of the bitch that i always interpret HER as. 

after reading those i knew i should of just stayed out and put down the phone but i couldn’t. i read older emails dating back to from months ago between them. boy did they have a whirlwind of a time. i skimmed through HER emails to em which were filled with i love yous, links to craigslist apartments that SHE and em could move into, links of craigslist jobs, talks of babies and marriage, christmas plans to go to cali, etc…

reading those emails made me sick (and not because of the pinot) but i wanted to read every single email but knowing that time wasn’t on my hands, i thought of the brilliant plan to take screenshots of the emails oh her phone and send them to me via text. well didn’t last too long since it was taking forever so i decided to forward the emails to me but they weren’t going through so i stopped. i went into every corner to erase the evidence. i thought i was thorough.

em woke up and noticed that her phone wasn’t where she had left it and knew that i had messed with it. she had asked and i told her that i saw she got a phone call and thinking it was my phone picked it up which was why it wasn’t were she left it. i tried to played it off and went on washing dishes as she made herself something to eat to sober up. as she ate i sat at the dinning room table with her and she told me about her emails to HER. she was honest and described what i had read. i felt terrible that all i went through to have it come to her simply telling me on her own will.

after she got done eating i went in the bathroom to get ready for bed as she made her way to the bedroom. she asked me again if i messed with her phone and i should confess since she found something that was proof that i was in her phone. i fessed up. damn emails with their little arrows indicating when an email gets forward.

i apologized and admitted that i wanted to know what happened between them so i could get a better understanding of why em did the things she did. she was upset and disappointed of my actions. more so at the fact that i didn’t admit it on my own until i got caught. i guess that is my own personal shortcoming. i give her credit that she was calm and didn’t blow up like she would normally do. she had asked for my phone and went into my emails to delete what did make it in my inbox which was only one. afterwards we talked some more until it seemed like she was done talking about it and so was i. then we went to bed.

i feel so bad for what i did and i’m disappointed in myself. i should give em more credit but why should i for what she did to me? because she is actually trying and i’m being psycho. i’m single handedly corrupting what we are trying to build. i put us back five steps back when we were trying to just make that one step forward. it wasn’t worth me being nosey at the end and i should have left things alone as they should of been. this is my fault. i’m going to promise myself to be more honest with em as she is with me. i’m not to go though the phone logs or any forms of electronic communication. me being crazy is driving me to do crazy things. 

“no restrictions”

no one likes restrictions in their life nor having someone tell them what to do or what not to do. its all about control and a lot of selfishness on someone’s part to actually restrict a significant other. what happened when em restricted me? i lost myself, became obsessed in our relationship to make it work and thought it would gain back the trust i once had. i guess we’re trying a new path to see how it works out. what sucks is that she doesn’t realize what i went though and she is just so lucky to have the better end of the stick since everything is so double standard with us. but who’s fault is it really that she’s had it so easy? mine. 

some relationships takes work to make it. i feel like i’m in overtime and i’m getting fucked over for not getting paid x1.5 because i’m constantly worrying about em and what is she going to do with out restrictions. i’m always thinking that each time em is on her phone texting someone, she is essentially texting HER. if she’s not working or spending time with me her natural instinct is to gravitate towards HER. i can’t stop having these thoughts but what can i do? self medicate or be high and drink away my worries. its a thought but i’m better then this.

i’m telling myself to take this energy i’m wasting and just do me. do what tran says for once and just try not to care so much because the more i care, the more i obsess, and the more i obsess, the more assumptions i create in my head which turns to worry then makes me want to restrict her. relationships shouldn’t be this much work, but in this particular one it is. maybe more so on my part anyways.

this feels like a double edged sword waiting to slice me on the wrist and throat all at the same time. so if i let her do her own thing, she will call/text/hangout with her friends including HER as well, but me giving her the freedom she needs/wants would make her appreciate me more for trusting her. this is riding the assumption that she won’t go overboard and hanging out with HER every free moment that she has and that she has some sensibility to distinguish what is reasonable. if i didn’t and still held ground on my one restriction and holding her tighter with her growing resentment for me, at the end making em want to call/text/hangout with HER more knowing that she knows that she can’t. me suffocating her and not allowing her to breathe isn’t healthy for her or us. i need to learn how to let go. 

what’s the common denominator? em still wanting/having contact with HER. i feel that she has the need hold on to her not just for a friendship that she assures me of. its a safety net just in case that our relationship doesn’t work out that she can fall back on HER. em knows that SHE will take her back in a heartbeat, and i do too just like i did. em is smart because she’s already has a plan B for her heart. is this me assuming again? it seems to real to be just an assumption.

so me having my urges to check up on the phone/text log of our bill shows that em made her first attempt to contacting on tuesday 10/18 @ 8:56am. this is after we decided/argued (and we i say decided, i mean me giving up fighting this issue) to have no restrictions sunday night. this is 2.5 weeks after we got back together on 9/30. so at 8:56am that morning, i had just left the house shortly after to go to work after i kissed her goodbye as she slept or what i thought was sleeping. she woke up probably at the sound of the door closing and locking and her first thought was to text HER. how is this suppose to make me feel? yes given it was only a handful of exchanged texts and not an all day ongoing texting conversation and em ignoring me for the rest of the day. everything in consideration right? who the hell am i fooling? only myself.

i’m going on her promise that she made that she wants to be with me and that that’s the reason why she came back - for me. i have to remind myself that she is coming home to me at the end of the day and no one else. i have to believe that every hug and kiss is real and genuine. all these invisible things like trust, faith, belief, loyalty, promises i’m putting everything on on for what? the most powerful and invisible thing known to man - love.